pages of my diary: filling the gap

•June 27, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Today I have actually swore to myself that I need to be able to finish one post to keep this blog alive and going yet I have basically been time-dallying, killing my hours by watching vlogs, scrolling and re-scrolling my facebook, twitter and instagram page and mainly snooping on Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston if not on the Kardashians. This is one of those not rare, but actually frequent moment of brain freeze coupled with laziness and sheer confusion of whatever kind. So I will just probably go on with my rants and follow the flow of my fuzzy brain until I can fill this page with somehow a decent thought- (crossing my finger)- and hopefully find some sense with how my life’s going- if that’s not too much to ask. I’m praying that my silent plea will be heard and the universe will collide and probably throw some boomerang to shake my brain and my whole being and start working.

There is in fact a lot going on in my head right now- plans, ideas– and more plans and more ideas. Yep, I have probably gotten myself used to just making ideas, plans, blueprints, contingencies or whatever you call it and then stick with it until the bubble breaks and start to scratch again. To be honest, this blog is basically the only stable thing I have ever done and perhaps the only thing that I was able to sustain doing for years. I have always been that person who let my brain do all the talking, figuratively, then leave it at that until either the whole idea doesn’t appeal as much anymore or was discouraged as the fear of not being able to get my expected results are taking over my most of the time insecure and unsure self. I know it’s not a good habit, really and it’s the over-thinking that kills which I am still working on to balance and not consume me, as it always happen. For a long time thou, I have resolved to just follow my instinct and then as they always say, own your choice regardless. And so it’s all about taking one step at a time right now and crossing bridges only when I get there, which I think also takes a lot of faith and courage and resiliency to be able to adopt to whatever end result- expected or not. I have stopped questioning myself for my every decision and trust more on my gut feeling and focus on making everyday count, making memories and being productive. I have stopped analyzing what seems to be right or wrong in other people’s eyes and be dictated by the society’s norm, for as long as i know and follow the golden rule and the general truth. Overtime I have realized that people will only understand on their level of perception, which is a case of subjectivity, really.

Perhaps I am daft for taking a massive jump to the unknown at this point in time. I have embraced the truth that practicality is not really my strong suit. But then, life in general is uncertain- we gamble and take risks. And basically taking risk is different from suicide. Even a ten percent chance is still a chance. We make decisions based on what we can and choose to live by. At some point, we do have to just choose our battle and for me running away from something that triggers negativity is not cowardice. At least, I believe so. I know too that regret also plays a role in every saga, yet maybe I’d rather deal the regret of doing than regret of not doing per se.

I blame the unicorns, the shooting stars, Carrie Bradshaw and the belief of endless possibilities for my restless mind. I cannot blame Holly Golightly thou because I love Audrey Hepburn so it totally not going to make any sense and to be honest, I definitely understand those days when you get the mean reds. Perhaps I can write a list of who’s to hold accountable but truth is I have grown to watch Project Runway and have watched every single episode of Masterchef and The Voice and see people realize their dreams and do what they love best so I’ll probably take a chance and create my own Lipstick Jungle. I know it’s a massive work and very daunting not to mention scary and totally insane but the point really is, having the opportunity to work on something you would enjoy and be excited about whether that would mean sitting in the corner of your room you call office in pj’s and drinking brewed coffee in your favorite mug. And by the way, Carrie Bradshaw is my hero and I cannot hate unicorns ever.

I’m not really counting the months till I turn big 3-0 as I pretend, but it’s important and a pat in my back to know that whatever happens, I didn’t deny myself with an opportunity to try and pursue other things. I’m definitely looking forward to what’s going to be in store for me for the coming months.

 

 

pages of my diary: why the caged bird sing

•May 3, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Maya Angelou has written a very beautiful autobiography about her life, experiences, thoughts and struggles that basically sums up into one powerful title” I know Why the Caged Bird Sing”. For several days, I have been a walking zombie doing my everyday routine of going to work then back home and vice versa and every time, this line has kept on hounding in my head like a trapped soul struggling to get out from the cell. From a different viewpoint, my life unfolding stagnantly before my very eyes and not being able to do something about it is in a way made me feel like a caged bird. Though my experiences and feelings is a million folds far from that of the book but the strength and courage of the character has definitely inspire me in many ways and is pushing me to overcome the meekness and do something out of life. Perhaps, for the past months I have been nothing but passive and timid, hence having to wake up and realize being already buried in the hole is unsurprisingly a classic me. Rewind three to five years back and I’m seeing myself again in the same predicament of losing my sanity, trying to figure out my plans and what to do with my life. I know it’s ridiculous and very embarrassing to admit that for twenty nine years, I am still in the same boat circling in the ocean, and still unsure of which direction to take. Admittedly, I am seriously bad with taking and giving directions, and pretty much getting lost is becoming a habit.

So yes, I am again in the pit of this crossroad trying to understand and decipher this whole debacle I call “my life”. Perhaps everything really is simple, and I’m just in a habit of making it complicated. I’m sure as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west though that I want to get out from the boat that I am currently in. But not knowing the next step is what’s scaring me as hell. I cannot afford to mess up again, it’s not even an option.

I am trying to find that carefree beast in me that just jump and take the high road whatever it takes, and how uncertain it will be. I hate to think that this is what’s bidding goodbye to my twenties makes me- cautious and just, I don’t know, afraid, I guess. There is nothing wrong with being cautious, really, sometimes, it just stops us from being bold and taking risks. And the whole idea of me becoming stagnant and obsolete is damnation at its finest- like, I cannot just go there, even the mere thought of it. There is a lot of ideas in my head, but like always, I am finding it hard to unscramble and fix it piece by piece to make it whole.

One thing’s going to be certain though, this caged bird will continue to sing, but until then, in a matter of time, it will fly free and will find where it truly belongs. And I couldn’t be more ecstatic about it.

 

Unrequited diaries: At that place

•April 29, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I used to just long to be on that place…

I know in my heart and mind that I have.

It has been months but somehow in some insane blip of madness, there are  times that I would still think of you. YES I do. And admittedly, there is still but a tinge of longing every time. Maybe I do– miss you, in a way. But don’t get me wrong. I am perfectly fine. I am not heartbroken anymore. Gone were those days when I would have sleepless nights thinking of you or crying to sleep thinking you’re with somebody else and can never be with me. I’m past those times when all I do is stare at my phone, stalk you and wonder when you will ever realize my existence and text me first. I know I have survived those irrational thoughts and pathetic longing of your mere attention. Surely, it was huge bump in my life that went out of hand and has boggled my mind and bombarded my whole being. I admit, it was the first deep emotion that triggered me and took me out of balance– way too off guard in fact that I lost and forgot myself in the process. It was devastatingly good though, as I look back. The feeling was alien, painful and out of my mind but it was something I didn’t regret going through. Perhaps I did when I was hurting, I have cursed, question a lot and wished it didn’t happen. But I guess when you come to a point of understanding it, logically, I know it has to happen at some point in my life. No free pass. It was something normal that just my bizarre mind cannot comprehend.

As I think about it now, you know every now and then, you would still cross my mind. Perhaps I would still think of the “what-ifs”, yet I know like solving a mathematical equation, going through all the possibilities is valid and expected– and yes, normal. And just like that, if it’s not right, then let it be. I know we cannot linger and insist on something that is not fitting and will not work. I have learned that now. After two long years, guess, I was already tolerant and hopeful enough to know and accept that the odds for everything to be true was very nil. And I’m okay with that now.

But yes, I still think of you in every ballad, blues and any song for that matter. I would still listen to it over and over every now and then, and dedicate every lyric with a little pang in my heart. Yet I know, it’s all over now. I was visiting a good memory. I understand that the feeling is now fictional like that on my favorite book. And no matter how hurtful and painful it was, I believe it’s still worth looking back, nevertheless.

I admit, there are still times I wish I’d see you again or at least hear your voice. And perhaps I would want to be reminded of how exhilarating it was to hear a mere “how are you” from you. That foolish crush I had on you was the most normal feeling I ever had- and for a time, it somehow felt good. But yes, those were the times. I know in my heart that all of these are in the past. And I don’t feel bad about it anymore.

Acceptance didn’t come in handy. But I know it has to happen. It needs to happen. In a matter of life and death, getting away scathed but whole is what’s the most important. No shortcuts. No timeline. No pushing. And yes, it takes time.

There I said it. I don’t think it’s ever wrong to long and miss you once in a while. I think it’s a testament of how I have accepted and moved on with my life. I believe that the feelings will only consume you if you’ll still dwell on that emotion. I’m happy I’m over it now.

So yes, I’ve missed you. And I’m genuinely wishing you well. Finally, I am at that place.

unrequited diaries: break free

•September 24, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So this is basically how the story ends..

There is still but a lump in my throat just the mere thought of it. I wish I could stare and smile at you forever. My heart silently screams for the last plea- hoping for some saving grace. Yet, in my mind, I know this is the end of it. Months and days had passed by as swiftly as turning the pages of a book. A book that is uninteresting enough to linger on the words and lines, you want to finish it fast. It was a long process though. Too long in fact.

And now comes the time for realizations and awakenings. Truth is, I am worth more than that book. It’s good to be reminded of the things that slipped from my mind when it was clouded by my emotions. I am breaking free. I am running away from this madness. From a romantic perspective, it is definitely not a happy ending. A far cry from any fairy tale ever told. Absolutely no butterflies, fireworks or any tingling feeling in your stomach. Yet, it is a right and wise ending nevertheless. Choosing yourself is I believe the most brilliant decision one can ever made. And I am doing just that.

I know I am stronger than any of this, This temporary blip of vulnerability and insanity has certainly caught me off guard. I cannot even begin to imagine the massive disturbance it brought my mind, I was close to losing it literally and figuratively. Well actually, I think I did. It surely is not one of my finest moments. If I could erase that part of my memory, I’d gladly do so. But I believe I am over it now. I have learned to accept that some things are not really meant to happen or perhaps not supposed to happen. I just wish, it didn’t happen at all. Period.

So as I move on with my life, may I be able find more courage not to look back and not to overthink about the what-ifs and entertain hope and any idea at all. I am really glad I can now walk out of it and inject some sense to my wobbly brains when it’s starting to become unhinge. This part of my story may have ended but this is only a small chapter that constitutes the totality of my book. This is definitely not the end of me. There may have been a piece of me that was lost, yet I will not allow it to break me, lest doubt myself again. I’ve come to realize my value and that I deserve much more. And yes, I am more than any unrequited misfortune and tragedy.

xx,

B.

A cry for humanity for the refugees

•September 11, 2015 • Leave a Comment

With the recent happenings to the world, not only my feeds has been bombarded with news and pictures of sad plights of Syrian refugees to a safe harbor and their cries for survival but also has one way or another awakened us to the realities and the struggles of and for humanity. I feel deeply sorry for them (or anyone for that matter) who doesn’t deserve to be in that situation.

Many of us has surely struggled to be away from home, and be a foreigner in any country for reasons of looking for a greener pastures, being able to work and earn more for the families we left, or perhaps to experience a totally different environment and be away from our comfort zone. But these people were forced to leave their country because what used to be their home has become a threat to their lives. It is truly devastating to know that home is supposed to be our shelter and shield from harm where we belong and find comforts, yet for them, the definition and that feeling has totally ostracized them as their home is no longer a safe place to stay.

Does God wants this to happen? Absolutely not. That I am very certain. I could go on and on about how and why these terrible things happened tracing back history, politics, economics and religion and people could each throw their own opinions and notions creating arguments because of contrasting views of who’s to blame, yet will it undo what is happening now? Will it bring back the lives of those people who died, the beautiful buildings, houses and livelihood, worst the future of these people which is hazy considering how they are being treated in some countries where they are finding security and protection? We spend time figuring out the cause when we should be focusing on how to ease and help the effects.

I think refugees should be welcomed everywhere. I know I may not fully understand the political and economical repercussions of these countries why some are hesitant and others are making it difficult, but because I only understand one thing- they are people who needs help, they are hungry, in need of a warm place and some are dying. They have the right to live and be treated decently just as much as we all are- refugees, migrants, foreigners alike. Because we may be separated by race, religion, beliefs, geography, circumstances and language, we all are one and the same- human beings.

I feel sorry for not being able to help as much. It pains to know that it has to take one young life for all of us to open our eyes and be aware of what’s happening. I commend the countries, organizations and even individuals who have opened their doors and extended a hand to our fellow in need. They are one solid proof that humanity still exists. In our own little way, I think we can take a minute to sign petitions and make pledges for the leaders to accommodate as much and to welcome refugees in their countries.

This post is me taking a solemn minute of personal plea for our world. It isn’t just about our moral duty and obligation but beyond that, I believe there is humanity within all of us that regardless of obligation, we help because we want and we chose to. I pray for peace and appealing to the hearts of those in power. I believe that with cumulative voices, we will be heard.

B.

unrequited diaries: the heart is finally walking away

•September 9, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Feelings has its own way of slipping from your grasp and finding a reason to move on when it finally realizes it’s not worth staying anymore. It doesn’t even need to be forced, it’ll just find its way.

You know one day, you will wake up to this. Months of convincing yourself it’s not worth it has been such a struggle. Your mind has tortured your heart for hundreds of reason why it’s best and wise to forget about the madness because it’s not EVER going to happen. And like the yin and yang that your heart and mind is, meeting halfway has never been the case. It was always an argument- a battle that leads to endless bantering until the heart wins. When emotions are concerned, logic is most of the time, a lost pursuit.

But the heart is done from wishing and hoping. It’s boiling point came to a complete stop and has acknowledges the truth. This ain’t a fairy tale, or a happy-ever-after kind of movie. Reality sinks in, you are not a pathetic fool. You did not just took care and value yourself for a long time to deserve this. And as it dawned on you, like a strong woman that you are, you take courage to walk away from something that has made you lose your self-worth and values.

The heart realizes that it can never change the fact that its feelings can never be reciprocated. That’s just the way it’s going to be. Patience may be a good virtue but in this case, waiting for something that will never happen is stupidity and insanity in the boldest sense.

And now the time has come when his name doesn’t matter anymore. You don’t have that feeling of butterflies in your stomach at the mere hello. You are in the process of becoming uninterested to his whereabouts. You are becoming indifferent at his presence. You know you are not looking forward to it anymore. He is now just one of the many people you see on the street passing by, or one of those you meet along the way. He is exactly how you are to him- non existing.

You wish that even the memories will also be buried. That will be harsh, you realize. But the amount of pain and heartbreak was too much to bear, you don’t want to hold on to even the tiniest reminder of that madness. You don’t want to risk it again.

One day, you hope that you will see him again in a totally different circumstance. And probably that time, you may consider telling him this story as something that is cliche and but a fragment of your imagination. You don’t expect him to believe. In fact, you don’t expect at all because it doesn’t matter anymore.

You will always be grateful for him for showing you kindness though. It was just an unfortunate incident that you felt something you shouldn’t  have towards him and expected a lot in return. Now you have accepted why you cannot call him anytime you fancy just so you’ll know how he is doing or who is he with. But you know in your heart, you genuinely wish him all the best and that he’ll find that person who will also cherish him more than you did.

And so as you close this unrequited chapter comes your fervent wish that all remnants of this feelings will also fade away. And though you regret how it turned out, you know in your heart, you didn’t regret meeting him.

b.

pages of my diary: the happy realizations

•August 14, 2015 • Leave a Comment

How extremely liberating it is to be waking up voluntarily and not from the nagging alarm and snooze buttons for a change. Two days of rest and hibernation has pretty much done me some thinking, reevaluation and some extra time to just lie down in bed and be totally lazy. Ironic how this sickness has somehow gave me peace of mind and heal some wounded pieces of both my nasty mind and feeble heart. Overthinking is perhaps like my second skin. It is something that comes naturally to me in most times regardless. And I cannot decide whether it a blessing or a curse, either way, it is a part of me that is just so difficult to let go. Oftentimes though, it has been bombarding me with massive confusions and irrational thoughts that has blinded my logic and reason, doubting myself in the process. But there are also times that over-analyzing has put things in my life into perspective. It has reminded me of my values, what i believe in and what I am fighting for. It brought me right back to the time when I would be spending hours in my room sitting across the window overlooking the street and the people passing by unmindful that a year after I would be staring at a different window in a totally different place. Perhaps the silence has somehow gave me room to appreciate all that I have managed to go through and realize how my decisions being influenced by my emotions would sometimes jeopardize my intuitions and sanity.

For all that is worth and in spite of my over analytical ego, I am grateful for things that is happening be it good or bad. A lot of times I am complaining though, especially when things aren’t going my way, yet I know that being trapped in rock-bottom with nothing to grasp has taught me to stand on my own two feet and take courage. I have never thought myself as someone who is patient, but in this journey, patience is the one thing that kept me together. I am most grateful for all the bad decisions and choices that freaked me out as it paved me the way to know my limits and understand the other side of the horizon. It made me acknowledge that I am not always right, and that’s ok.

Thinking about it, I don’t really know exactly what happened how most of the time I seem to second guess and not know myself anymore. Actually, a lot had happened, and it overwhelmed me. For the past hours, reading my posts and watching my old series has once again introduced me to my old self- whom I lost in this process. I was distracted and the feeling was alien, it was hard to bear. This mind-boggling process gave me the time to again draw the line, regroup and take control. Sure, happiness is a choice. It’s a written fact, just as how our life is defined by the choices we make. My emotions may have turned my beliefs upside down, yet gaining strength from my roots and my goals has lead me to stop my insanity and stupidity.

So now, I just want to focus on the good and that what makes me happy. Reading a book and watching series may be a boring social life but it makes me happy and that’s what it matters. I guess, I have to stop depending my happiness to other people as it just brought me so much hurt and pain. Since I cannot eliminate the bad seeds around me for the time being, I must learn to dance to their music even how uncanny it is. Perhaps I have to try my best to filter my thoughts and stop overthinking negative things. Anyway, in time, I know, everything will fall into place.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

-Maya Angelou

B.

 
%d bloggers like this: